I've been inundated with fear lately: fear of the unknowns in my life.
For the last year, I have worked seven days a week a one job or another or both (or three), rehearsed five or six days a week, and had some sort of performance every three weeks or so. I'm beginning to realize that this extreme lifestyle is not sustainable.
When I decided to give up my 9-5 job to pursue my art and teaching careers, I fully believed that I would spend my first year sorting everything out. How would I make ends meet while the studio is still in it's infancy? How can I allow myself to sacrifice a lot of money for art? How can I remain unselfish and understand when my husband needs to take time out of his 9-5 job to pursue his acting career? I'm still sorting things out, and I'm starting to become concerned.
I don't want to work part-time at Starbucks indefinitely. I don't know when my performing/choreographing/directing career will be winding down, when I will have enough time to pursue a "real job" (aka a paying job). Believe it or not, but I do want to have a family. Depending on which way I decide to take my life, I'm afraid that I'll either kill my dance career or ruin my chances at ever earning enough money to live in a nice apartment.
I'm sure these are fears that everyone has, and they are fears to have been floating around in my brain for a few years now. I think all of this has bubbled to the surface lately because I am starting to make long-term, life-altering decisions. I'm scared and excited alternately every day. I am thankful for my opportunities and overwhelmed by them all the time.
I know that I should just relax and let my life happen, not try to plan things too much, because that's when the greatest things have happened for me (meeting my husband, crashing on a friend's couch for two months in NYC, auditioning for IDC). It's just so hard to not know what is going to happen in the next six months.
Once I finally get a day off, I'll have time to put things into perspective a little bit better.