Fears

Recently, I thought about how I mostly write in this blog to keep my audience up to date on my current projects. My original intent for creating a blog was not to brag about my success or how I think my life is awesome, but to give an inside glimpse into what life is really like when everything revolves around your art. I'm going to do my best to go back to that thought, at least for today's entry.

I've been inundated with fear lately: fear of the unknowns in my life.

For the last year, I have worked seven days a week a one job or another or both (or three), rehearsed five or six days a week, and had some sort of performance every three weeks or so. I'm beginning to realize that this extreme lifestyle is not sustainable.

When I decided to give up my 9-5 job to pursue my art and teaching careers, I fully believed that I would spend my first year sorting everything out. How would I make ends meet while the studio is still in it's infancy? How can I allow myself to sacrifice a lot of money for art? How can I remain unselfish and understand when my husband needs to take time out of his 9-5 job to pursue his acting career? I'm still sorting things out, and I'm starting to become concerned.

I don't want to work part-time at Starbucks indefinitely. I don't know when my performing/choreographing/directing career will be winding down, when I will have enough time to pursue a "real job" (aka a paying job). Believe it or not, but I do want to have a family. Depending on which way I decide to take my life, I'm afraid that I'll either kill my dance career or ruin my chances at ever earning enough money to live in a nice apartment.

I'm sure these are fears that everyone has, and they are fears to have been floating around in my brain for a few years now. I think all of this has bubbled to the surface lately because I am starting to make long-term, life-altering decisions. I'm scared and excited alternately every day. I am thankful for my opportunities and overwhelmed by them all the time.

I know that I should just relax and let my life happen, not try to plan things too much, because that's when the greatest things have happened for me (meeting my husband, crashing on a friend's couch for two months in NYC, auditioning for IDC). It's just so hard to not know what is going to happen in the next six months.

Once I finally get a day off, I'll have time to put things into perspective a little bit better.