Friday, April 30, 2010

Reflection on Rejection

So, you may remember that I had two auditions last week that I was pretty excited about. I'll keep this brief because there is really no need to elaborate--I was cut from both auditions a bit sooner than I had anticipated. At first I just didn't understand. I didn't really expect to become a company member with either group, but I was hoping to walk away with a work-study or apprenticeship. Nope. Nothing.

I felt bad about myself for about half a day, but I am surprising myself with my resilience. I'm ready to get back to work, get into more classes and completely devote myself. For the last couple of months I have been dancing almost every day, about 15 or 20 hours a week, and I know that I have to keep that up and see where it takes me.

I keep reminding myself of how awesome this year has been to me so far, and it looks like by the end of the year I will have performed in at least 5 concerts with 5 different groups and will have my choreography on stage!

Not too bad.

Monday, April 19, 2010

Validation

I work with a fellow dancer, a lovely young man who has had the pleasure of performing professionally (even if not consistently). I wanted to share some of our conversation because I found it to be insightful and inspiring.

We welcomed each other with big hugs this morning, much needed gestures of support, and then I reminded him that I would see him in company class this Friday--I'm auditioning for the company with whom he has been a guest artist. He seemed like he was happy to hear that, and told me that one of my favorite ballet teachers would be giving us class, which I took to be a huge plus for me. He confessed that he heard that I was considering not even going to the audition because I wasn't sure if I would want to work with this company (a little back story: I actually love the work that they produce and fully support the concept, but I had a confidence-shattering audition with them a year ago and it left a mark). Of course, I responded that I changed my mind because I am not in a place to be picky about the work that I do, that I just need to try everything. He agreed, and also told me this:
"After every audition, no matter how it went, you set the bar a little higher for yourself. It gives you something to reach for."

It doesn't matter if you are cut in the first round, the last round, or if you make it to the end of an audition. Auditioning gives you a chance to see what else is out there, shake your grounding, and keep you growing.



In a separate conversation with the same friend, my eyes teared up as I told him how I thought that my dancer friends sometimes discredit the work that I've been doing for the last year. (This may or may not be based on truth, it could just be paranoia.) I have worked harder than I have in years and tried so many new things and met so many lovely people...it's hard to have others (unknowingly, and not directly) tell you that it doesn't really count as professional work. He soothed me with this:
"It shouldn't matter if what you are working on is not as well-known. For all we know, [those groups] could become huge in the future. What matters most is that you are contributing to the dance community."

I'm always thankful for supportive friends, the awesome opportunities that I've been given, and I am fully invested in the work I am producing as a dancer.

Sometimes you just need a little validation.

Saturday, April 17, 2010

Looking ahead and Expression vs. Technique

Many exciting events coming up for me and my little dance world: two auditions next week, one the week after that, learning new dances, creating new dances, show opening in a few weeks...

I've been searching for new opportunities. The Chicago dance community is so rich with companies, projects and festivals--and I want to experience it all. I'm looking forward and realizing that I may be extremely busy at the moment while I'm rehearsing with 3 companies at once, but in 2 months I'll be working on just one show.

I had a conversation with a teacher last week to help guide me into other dance opportunities. I did learn about some new places to take classes and learned some new names, but I took a couple of other things with me--encouragement and a couple compliments. I know that I'm not the best technical dancer ever, so it was nice to hear from someone else that my strength as a dancer is how I express myself.

I'm going to try to use that expression to my advantage in upcoming auditions. I may not impress you at ballet barre, but I will certainly pour myself into the character that you want.

Last night, a few friends and I went to a benefit for a new company (my best friend is one of the founding dancers). Listening to the founder/choreographer/artistic director was truly inspiring. He has a refreshing views on dance and dance creation, in particular that he makes dances with his particular dancers in mind, that their personalities and movement qualities make the dance. I also loved when he said, "I have many technical faults as a dancer, when you see me in class you might think I am an amateur." It was uplifting for me to see that you don't have to be the best dancer in the room to create work that others will support and appreciate. Looking forward to Dmitri's show.

Saturday, April 10, 2010

Working hard, or hardly working?

Last week, a friend of mine interrogated me, in a very conversational way, on my career goals. What do I see myself doing in 5 years? What is it that I wish I was doing right now? What do I need to do to reach those goals? All these questions ended the way they started: Why am I selling myself short?

I've always known that this is what would involve pursuing a dance career: more rejection than praise, criticism (years of ballet should have prepared me for that), working harder every day than you did the day before. Self-doubt and self-pity shouldn't be in that mix.

One of my close friends seems to have been so lucky, blessed, fortunate--however you look at it--since she started auditioning for professional work. I hate that I am jealous, and even more I hate that it makes me wonder what exactly is wrong with me. But even through my jealousy, I can see why she has earned so much praise and validation: she puts in the work. Dance comes first, there aren't any excuses.

It's something that I (and we as dancers) have to constantly remember--you have to work for this. Dancing is not like riding a bicycle, you can't hop on and off and expect the same result.

So I've come back to the first lesson that dance teaches you: discipline. I think it's the hardest thing to retain once you become an independent adult. You have choices, and you don't always want to do what is best for you.